What's Up! Magazine

Rob of Amish Warfare displaying his vocals

Yo Bham, Amish Warfare here, just got back from our summer West Coast FILT tour and had a blast. We decided to go on tour with a little under two months to go before our first show. Needless to say we were in a rush to set shows up and had a lotta work ahead of us. However, we still managed to set up 15 shows in 16 days and rocked them all. Shows were awesome, the people were better! Couldn’t have asked for a better touring experience.

We tried to set up a tour back in ’06, sadly it didn’t quite pan out as well. By the time we returned, the band members were ready to walk their seperate ways and start new projects. This time we got back home and everybody in the band was dying to get back on the road. Hopefully, if everything works out, we will be getting on the road again soon, this time with a full length CD recorded and printed with an EP available for download on the internet as well. We’ve been working hard to bring music to you guys, just had to jump through a few hurdles.

While on tour, we challenged ourselves and anybody willing to participate at the shows to waterboard after our set. Sadly, we couldn’t get anybody to waterboard with us; we played a band showcase with a bunch of metal bands in Tacoma and figured they would be hardcore enough to join us. Negatory. Hardcore music, hardcore fans but not as hardcore as Amish Warfare. Rob and Ferns showed the metalheads how to properly waterboard with Rob setting the then record with 33 seconds of waterboarding. (If you don’t know what waterboarding is or why it’s awesome, check out some information here: www.whatiswaterboarding.com)

We picked up a couple hitchhikers from Reno, NV as we waved farewell to our dedicated touring roadie Dane Mallahan. Daniggy and Chris Amish Warfare were more than happy to help cover the loss of Dane. Chris Amish Warfare turned out to be one crazy dude. Aside from being the only person on tour thus far to waterboard, he suffered a bad skateboarding crash and skinned his elbow down to the bone. No problem though, he was carrying a stash of gun powder for just this kind of occasion. Pour some sugar on the wound, light up a cigarette, and BAM! Self cauterization. Poor dude lit himself on fire three times!

Speaking of being on fire, Rob was nice enough to buy the whole band and anybody else willing to try something amazing a present. Da Bomb Final Answer. 1.5 million scoville units of pain, 300 – 600 times hotter than tabasco sauce. We met up with a nice ex-stripper in Reno who partied with us for a couple days and let us crash at her place. She was even nice enough to spit in our mouths and lick our eyeballs. Mmm, delicious. She bravely took a giant hit from the Final Answer and held herself together just long enough for Rob, Ferns and Sysko to take a hit as well.

At that point she could not handle the heat anymore, ran into the kitchen and started chomping on anything to absorb the sauce. Sugar, bread, milk but to no avail. The Final Answer continued raging through her system until the inevitable conclusion: violent projectile vomitting.

To help cool Rob, Ferns and Sysko off we walked to the Truckee River, stripped down to our skivvies and threw ourselves down the Truckee River. It was very relaxing until hitting the manmade rapids which promptly taught us all a new lesson in respect for water and tossed us around before ultimately throwing us out on the shore a few hundred yards down the river. It was here that Akon was brave enough to try Da Bomb Final Answer. Akon took a hit from the bottle then immediately waterboarded… and did well for his first time. Despite dealing with the blazing inferno in his mouth, Akon managed to last an impressive 28 seconds putting him in second place for waterboarding. Aside from enjoying the Final Answer and waterboarding, Akon treated himself to a new hobby on tour: collecting wives. Akon has been happily married to his first wife, Ilia, for six years and decided he loved being married so much he was going to do it seven more times on tour! Thanks Reverend Rob for officiating so many weddings on such short notice.

Here is a note from Akon, “Ilia, Shortcake, Daniggy, Shasta, Madonna, Emily, Nikki and Gir, I love you all so much. You’re the best wives a man could ask for!” What a happy nonet. The Rev himself provided the drinks for the wedding and I daresay we did well. In total four liters of Everclear 190 was consumed on the tour.

What would a tour be without a little run-in with the boys in blue? We met an awesome guy from Mt. Shasta who hosted a party at his place just for us. We set up and started our show around 10 p.m. and lo and behold, three songs into our set, the five-oh showed up and politely asked us to turn our amps down or stop playing. We obliged but quickly were asked by our adoring crowd to turn back up. After coming three times to tell us to turn down our equipment, Mt. Shasta’s finest told us the party was over. And so the music stopped, but the party raged all night long.

We made a few more stops before returning home to play a 4th of July party in Everson out at Red’s Bar and Grill – greatest little venue we’ve played. It was here, in the little city of Everson, that we finally had people step up and waterboard with us. At least a dozen people joined us in our fantastic waterboarding experience. Thanks Red’s Bar and Grill, you guys threw us a great tour end. Until next time, everybody.